5. She's Just Not Worth Your Pretty If She's A Drama Queen

Now, I know I touched upon this in the previous 'chapter', but the Drama Queen is a category all in herself.
The Drama Queen. She is the girl who wraps herself in an emotional Linus blanket and comes out for no one lest someone not like the real person underneath the Drama. She is enticing, exciting, intriguing, and addictive. She's got twenty five 'best friends' at any given time and she swears up, down, and six ways sideways that each one is her absolute closest and best. You can't take your eyes off of her and you can't help but drink up every venomously honey dipped word that that comes out of her lined and lipglossed lips. Well, I'm sorry to say but she is the girl who is definitely not worth your pretty. She makes it seem like she is and she'll do anything to make you believe so but she's not in it for you or the friendship, she's there because it boosts her ego and makes her feel like she has an instant on-call audience.


The "Stuff Just Always Happens To Her" Excuse"

Something is always happening and she makes sure you know it. Whether it's crappy stuff, happy stuff, stuff about work or her love life she is right there in your ear giving you every single mushy detail as if she's testing the script for the movie of her life. It's all fine until you start to wonder: why aren't I with her, sharing all these experiences; why do I feel bad about myself after I hang up the phone with her; why aren't I out, living the kind of life she's leading. The minute you begin to compare yourself to her is the minute you should realize she's just not worth your pretty.


The "She Doesn't Mean To be A Bitch" Excuse

Yes, she does. She knows she's being a bitch and she knows that, because you love her, you'll take her asinine behavior with the least resistance. She always needs to get her way and she will pout, kick, scream, and curse until you relent and give her her satisfaction. This girl, ladies, is toxic. Because of her own issues and insecurities she feeds off of the misery and low-self esteem of those who will accept it from her. This girl isn't worth the time of day, and she certainly isn't worth even an OUNCE of your pretty.


The "People Are Just Naturally Drawn To Her" Excuse

Being a genuinely enigmatic, interesting, and friendly person will not always win you the love and respect you deserve. To have friends and to be a friend consists of hard work and compromise. To be a best friend and to have a best friend is requires even more hard work and sacrifice and compromise; the joy, however, is in the fact that it doesn't feel like hard work because you two mesh in a way that nature (or God or whatever you believe in) intended.
No one over the age of eight is surrounded around every corner by a person they call and consider their 'best friend'. Best friends aren't like hot dog vendors (eugh... Don't get me started on street meat pushers...), everywhere you look. That's probably the absolute excitement of having a best friend: they're rare, one of a kind, unique, and unlike anyone else you know. So if your 'best friend' is gushing about her million and six 'BFFs' (god, how I hate that acronym...), you can bet that she's not taking your friendship as seriously as she should be and you can definitely bet that she's not worth your pretty.


The "She Only Acts Like That When Other People Are Around" Excuse

I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but the Drama Queen is a really good actress. Chances are if she's acting totally 180-degrees different when there are people around, then she acting and not being genuine around you. She's got the Gemini complex (and she doesn't even have to be born in late May-early June!): in plains English, she's two-faced. Hell, knowing Drama Queens as well as I do, there are multiple faces to deal with! So if you find your friend to have more facets than the Hope Diamond, you can tell each one of her faces that she's just not worth your pretty.


It's so simple! Drama = not worth it. If you begin to feel like you're a supporting actor in your own life, chances are you've bonded yourself to a Drama Queen.

This is hard because Drama Queens are good at what they do: ensnaring and capturing their audience, making sure they never get away. And it's hard to admit that your best friend is a Drama Queen because you love her (or at least the person who she's been playing) and she'll do anything for you to make you stay. She's that seemingly too good to be true friend that everyone adores. You may not know it at first but sooner or later you'll start to feel like she's driving the big rig that us your life and you're just her cargo. That's even harder to get away from because she seems to make everything easier for you to deal with. What you should realize, though, is that you should be the one controlling your life and that she should move out of your driver's seat because she's not worth your pretty.

4. She's Just Not Worth Your Pretty If She Won't Share

I'm not talking about being four years old and in kindergarten again, being told to share your crayons and cookies. I'm talking about emotional sharing, really talking to each other- connecting, empathizing, sympathizing, and understanding.
I'm gonna share something here that's going to seem crazy at first but it will make sense once you think it through: talking is the platonic version of sex. It's the same kind of deep seated, comforting connection when two people share and talk to each other. It sounds mushy and stereotypically femme, but it isn't. The best friendships- heck, romances, too- have been based on this: Bert & Ernie (they haven't officially come out of the closet yet, so we'll classify that as friendship), Ariel & Flounder, Thelma & Louise, Mowgli & Baloo, et cetera, et cetera.


The "She's Afraid To Get Hurt Again" Excuse

She's had best friends before and they've let her down: laughed at her feelings, never kept her secrets, the whole game of hurt. She should know that that was them, not you. If she really wanted to, she would open up, tell you the things that she doesn't tell anyone else, think to herself, "I can't wait to tell her this!!!" Ultimately, she's going to want you to be her confidante because that's what best friends are for!


The "She's So Hot That She's Cold" Excuse

Everything starts out great: you two are hanging out, calling each other, you're starting to get really tight and she tells you one tiny secret. Then, bam, she's distant, only hangs out when there are other friends around, barely calls you anymore. Platonic version of 'fear of intimacy?' If I may be so bold as to call BULLSHIT! Now, I can't explain her behavior but I can say that if she's activg like that then she is definitely not worth your pretty. The only hot and cold you should have to deal with in your life are your faucets.


The "She Makes It Sound Like It's Important" Excuse

This one is a little trickier. She talks to you, you two seem close. But, upon further inspection, it turns out you barely know anything about her! You think back and realize that all the things she's told you have been small aspects of her life, unimportant facts and meaningless tidbits of information. Shit! You can't believe you've been fooled! Before you start the emotional tailspin and start telling yourself you are a bad friend, STOP! You are not the villain in this excuse, she is. She is the deceptive and cunning Drama Queen, capable of making you believe what she wants you to believe. She's the type who needs followers and attention and she'll get it in a way so that, when she gets found out, she won't get hurt. When the tell tale signs of a Drama Queen show up in your 'best friend', I suggest you tell her dramatic ass that she is not worth your genuine pretty.


It's so simple! Talking and sharing is (or should be, in a way) like sex: satisfying, comforting, and freeing. And, again, like sex, if it doesn't make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside when it's over, then chances are it's bad for you.

This one is hard because it's hard to talk about feelings, even for us women. Talking about and sharing things that make us feel certain ways opens us up and makes us vunerable to whatever hurt than can be brought. We're trusting someone not to be the bearer of that hurt.
Stupid feelings. If it wasn't for you, things would be a lot simpler, I wouldn't have to be lying here writing this! But we all need an outlet, another person who is willing to help us work through all of the crap in life. And because we feel that way, it makes it harder to believe that someone doesn't identify. We are prone to think that we are suited to be everyone's best friend and that everyone would want to open up to us because we are great listeners and we are so great at comforting others. Reality check: the world ain't all that we wish it were. There are fake and shallow and just generally shitty people out there who do nothing unless it benefits them and they're not always obvious about it. So, if she's dodgy, deceptive, or distrusting then she's definitely not worth your pretty!

The Night Of The Bitching

ARRRRRRGH!

So I've decided to be annoyed. It's late (well, technically, for me, it's actually early) and I'm tired (exhausted) and I'm kinda steamed (annoyed to the point of actual seething).

Okay, okay, I know that I'm in the middle of writing "She's Just Not Worth Your Pretty: A Girl's Guide To Best Best-Friendship" but tonight I just can't. Tonight's one of those nights where I want to just vent and rant and bitch and seethe about the stupid people that, well, are stupid! Yes, that includes the people who are reason why I started writing "She's Just Not Worth Your Pretty". It also includes (but is not limited to) guys who are just not worth it but who are so damn... I don't want to say irresistible, but, really, that's the only word for it; people who can't run their own shit but believe they can run yours; people who bitch and complain about things that don't concern them; people who believe that they are God's given gift to humanity and believe that the world does not in fact revolve around the sun but around themselves; delusional people (of grandeur or otherwise); people who... Well, fuck it, people in general.

So I claim tonight as The Night Of The Bitching. Some activities you might find and partake of in this grand affair:

• The Buffet of Bitching - you will find dishes of all kinds here like the ever popular "Damn cunt talks shit behind my back", "Fucking jerk won't give back my stuff", and "She has the balls to say/do that after what she did to me?!?"
• The Verbal Diatribe Dunk Tank - you can confront your demon (in imagination or picture form) and yell at them and tell them all you need to say and all you think they need to hear
• The Grand Tirade Parade - we all come together, agree that people fucking suck and proclaim that statement across the land

Okay, okay, I'm done with the fiction. I won't deny, though, that it felt good to write. But really, some people in this world... It just makes my head throb, like, physically throb, just thinking about how stupid/childish/moronic/idiotic/etc. some people in this world can be!

I know, it's probably not very mature and it certainly doesn't help my credibility towards "She's Just Not Worth Your Pretty" that I'm here, wasting my time, energy, and inspiration writing a bitching-rant about the people I've left out of my life. Yes, it still stands that SJNWYP is still about how to overcome these feelings of anger, loathing, near-hate. But sometimes a girl's just got to let go and have at it.

Seriously, though, how did it come to this? Things were good (fine, I'm willing to settle for 'things were okay'), and then, suddenly, things were no longer just things but situations. And, of course, as I have previously stated numerous times before, the timing for situations in my life is

S-H-I-T-T-Y.

At this point, I'm still not willing to concede my position. I know, I know, I should be better than that; after all, I am writing about how to leave those toxic friendship situations behind.

(And for those of you who read this and believe that this is about you: I'm sorry to disappoint you, but it's most likely not. Go listen to Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" and get over yourself.)

I hate to say it, though, but my life is so much better now. The only reason I hate to say it is because I hate to think that when you were in my life you were the person keeping me stuck to the rut I was in, you were the sinking ship I was refusing to jump and I don't think anyone deserves to be told that they are, or even were, a burden. I'm not gonna go right up to your face and say, "It's your fault my life sucked back then!" and walk away because, well, it's petty and it's unrealistic. Granted, I've wanted to do that on occassion but I've held back because I refuse to sink lower than your level.

I know what you're thinking. Gee, Lulu, if they were that horrible, why did you stick around? Because I loved them. Because, at one point or some points, we really were good for each other and we really had something good going. And I know I'm not alone when I say I got attached and I didn't want to let go of what I thought was something fun.

Speaking of things fun: BEWARE OF ALL THAT SEEMS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. That includes men. Well, guys; finding a man is so rare that you might as well call them a myth. And there's a particular species of guy you've got to watch out for: Mr. Irresistible. Mr. Irresistible is everything you want him to be except for one thing: he can't be yours! Whether it's because you've got a man or because he's got a girl, he is and never will be the one buying you roses, making you homemade chicken noodle soup when you're sick, and braving his balls to meet your family. But, from the way he acts towards you, you'd think he was that guy. Well, give him a fucking Oscar because it's all an act. I hate him for being so fly, for acting so cocky but in a subtle I-don't-hate-it-he-actually-looks-kinda-cute-when-he-acts-like-that way, I hate him for making me think that he's worth all the attention I give him! Fuck! Don't get me wrong, I love my man (the guy I'm with now, the guy who I'll be with later on, whoever), but Mr. Temptation is just within my reach. Better swat him away instead of grabbing. Bah.

I'm out of steam. I'm not any less annoyed (okay, a little).

I'm going to bed.

3. She's Just Not Worth Your Pretty If She Doesn't Hang Out With You

Just like dating delving into a new close platonic relationship is confusing. The uncertainty, the vaugeness, the murky shades of grey between what is appropriate and what is awkward. Every girl hates this time because this is the crucial moment where you both decide whether either of you can make it as each other's best friend. The walls slowly begin to come down and you're each at your most vunerable.
This is the point where spending time with each other is essential. You have to know if your best friend (or best friend-to be) wants to be with you, wants to hang out with you, wants to really know the kind of person you are, in public and at home.


The "She's Been Hurt and Betrayed Before" Excuse

Which one of us hasn't already felt the white-hot, sickening sting of platonic rejection? It's more than just unpleasant and, in a lot of ways, can be more heartwrenching than losing at love. At least with love you prepare yourself for rejection; you feed yourself all the placating excuses until you feel up to the challenge again. But no one wholly prepares themselves to be ejected from a friendship that seems to be going well.
Being previously betrayed and hurt does not constitue a good reason to perpetuate the vicious negative cycle. Chances are you could be the one who shows her that not all people are bitches and jackasses, if only she'd give you the chance. But if she decides not to give you that chance, don't feet because there's someone better and more worthy of your time and pretty.


The "But We Really Are Best Friends" Excuse

There's a certain security in knowing that your best friend is there for you, that she's got your back. And there's a certain pleasure, a warm fuzzy feeling if you will, when we can say, "That's my best friend." It sounds so Neanderthalic, the simple act of just saying it out loud but in actual truth saying it out loud really does carry validation. So if your so-called bestie keeps choking on her words, then the words you need to recognize are she's just not worth your pretty.


The "We're Around Each Other, So Why Not" Excuse

Right off the bat I need to say that settling for the girl who you've shared a cubical wall with for eight and a half months is not grounds for best friendship. She's a colleague, a work friend at best. In English: settling is not friendship. Settling is the act of sheer laziness, and who wants or wants to be a lazy best friend? When you settle for the person who's "just there," you're really cutting down your standards and, in the long run, cutting down your self-esteem by saying that you're not good enough to be searched for or to search for someone who perfectly complements you. So if you find that your relationship with your BFF is based on "why not," then I suggest you reevaluate it because, in the long run, she's probably just not worth your pretty.


The "She's A Jet Setter" Excuse

So your best friend is out of town. Again. It's nothing new, it's not a surprise. She travels a lot and, c'mon, someone's gotta wrack up them Frequent Flyer Miles! But here's the thing: it's beginning to feel like you've got a constant out of town visitor and not a best friend. She's constantly talking on and on about her travels and the people she meets and you feel like everything you have to say us insignificant in comparison. Well, it shouldn't be like that. Having a best friend means that she doesn't constantly feel like a stranger in your life, especially one that makes you feel like you aren't up to snuff.


It's so simple! Really and truly this time, it is: she doesn't want to see you then she's not worth your pretty. It's pretty plain, cut and dried. It may not feel that way because of all the excuses we make for them and to ourselves. But hanging out together- shopping, hiking, at home mani-pedi's- is essential in knowing and getting to know your best friend.

This one's particularly hard because your boundaries aren't yet fully defined. It's only when you're both willing to take that leap over the Wall of Awkwardness and land into Acceptance that you'll know whether you're each others' best friend material.

2. She's Just Not Worth Your Pretty If She's Not Calling You

Not being able to call you is the worst, bullshittiest excuse in the world. There is no excuse for your girl not to call. As a girl, if it's one thing I know it's that we love to talk. We love to verbally share pretty much everything we do, from the most embarrassing FML moments we have to our proudest, ego-boosting triumphs.
Being 'busy' is not an excuse. Every girl I know is just short of surgically attached to her cellphone, so being 'busy' is just another way of saying, "I don't want to talk to you," and what girl wouldn't want to talk to her friends? Even if 'busy' does occur, a phone call will happen eventually in the day, with the phrase, "Ohmygod, I thought about you today when..." littered throughout.


The "But She's Always Out" Excuse

I said it before and I'll say it again: we women are practically just short of surgically attached to our cellphones. Just because she's out doesn't give her the excuse not to call. Granted, she doesn't have to call the moment something exciting happens or the second she walks out her door, but she will eventually come home (or someone else's home, I don't judge) to chill and relax. This is usually when a girl will whip out her trusty phone and call. If you're not on that list of people she calls, she is not worth being in your life and she is certainly not worth your pretty.


The "She's Got A Lot To Deal With" Excuse

She's got a full time job, two kids, a dog, and a jackass for a husband. Okay, she's got a loaded plate and you don't want to add to it. But if she's really and truly your best friend, then she will find the time in her schedule to call, even if it's to cry about how she just can't get a moment to herself. Women want to share their misery and grief just as much as we want to share our happiness and laughter. We need someone there who understands us, who can commisserate with us, who we can share the burden with.


The "She Just Says Stuff That She Doesn't Mean"

Okay, if you read 'He's Just Not That Into You', you'll recognize this one. I believe that it goes for both women and men alike. If your girlfriend says she'll call you back, she will call you back. If she says she'll call you tomorrow, she'll call you tomorrow. Or, at least, she should. Whenever she says things like these, she's making you a promise, even if it's just something as small as a phone call. By letting her break these promises, you're enabling her to treat you like crap, and who wants that? Granted, there are exceptions to this rule: if she manages to seriously contact you in some way (six-page email, three consecutive wall posts, five message IM, that sort of thing), then it's okay, because she's still trying to get in touch with you. Not okay, though, if she says she'll call you back and replies instead with an email every single time. Phone contact is good. It means you still want to hear their voice and know who the person is. If she becomes (what I like to call) PC Poltergeist, then she's not worth your pretty. She's just using you to vent. So tell her to hit the the road and get a diary.


The "She's Just Not Really A Phone Person" Excuse

Lies. If she really 'wasn't a phone person' she wouldn't have a cellphone. (Granted, there are some who still don't.) But she has a house phone. And, c'mon, she's your best friend: wouldn't you want to be able to talk to your best friend without having to wait for a wall post or an email? And who said those things were really all that great? I've found that, with my best friends, emails and wall posts and MSN just don't cut it. There's just the comfort of the immediate response, the warm fuzzy feeling when you realize you've gone totally off topic and launched into a totally different conversation.


I'm just going to point out right here that, as I write this, I am writing specifically about best friends. Those who you count as the women in your inner circle, the ones who you multiline call at night, the ones who you'd imagine would be your bridesmaids at your imaginary wedding. Friends, just friends, those who you're close with but not in that special way, are different, and have a whole different set of rules entirely. Example: I have a close friend who I email with all the time. We don't talk on the phone, that's just not where our relationship is based, and that is a mutual understanding on both our parts. (If you're reading this, you know I love you, lol)

It's so simple! Email, Facebook, Twitter, text: they're all just ways of shortchanging the human race on communication. If your best friend really was your best friend then she'd want to bug you with the little things in her life, and you'd want her to listen as you dished on a new song you heard while your do your nails.

It's hard to believe because there is an exception to the rule: I'll admit, I'm a girl who loves her technology. I've got an iPhone (ninety per cent of the time that's where I'm blogging from), I've got Facebook, I've got Twitter (sammimartinez, thank you very much), I have several, if not too many, email accounts and all of these are hooked up to iGgy (my affectionately named iPhone). I utilize all of these methods to talk to my best friends, and we manage to contact each other on a daily basis. But there is phone contact, at least once a week or so, which I think is okay because we manage to be part of each other's lives in every single way. That's really the point I'm trying to get across. If your best friend won't deign to call you, let alone attune herself to your life, then she's just not worth your pretty!

Let me just start off by saying I love my boyfriend, I really do. I'm grateful that he's in my life, making this part of my life better that it else would have been.
But did you ever wonder? Okay, yeah, that was vague. What I mean is, did you ever wonder about their (the collective universe of boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses/significant others) past. And not in the overtly pathetic, clingy, "Ohmygod, who was that and how do you know them? Did you date? Did you fuck?" kind of way. I'm talking more of the casual, "So who were you before you met me?"
I guess I should back up and explain- I realized, while on the phone with TK's best friend (he answered his phone, I didn't care to ask why), that I didn't know how the two of them had met. Yeah, I vaguely remember some drunken, fumbled book cover blurb when we first met, but I never really got around to knowing. And it got me thinking.
Piecing together the stories I've heard while we've been together, I've managed to kind of see bits and parts of his life (now, calm yourselves: this is gonna sound egotistical but it's really not) BM, or Before Me. But it's like doing a giant jigsaw puzzle and I only have the egde pieces figured out and I'm left with handfuls of similar colored pieces. Call me crazy and insanely curious, but I want to see the whole puzzle, finished and whole.
I'm not gonna spout pretty platitudes about how our pasts don't matter because we're together now; I'm too emotionally scarred and realistic for that. No, I actually believe the opposite, that our pasts do matter because they've lead us to each other. And, a little more cynically, we're going to be part of each other's pasts eventually and I want to at least stand out (positvely) from the rest.

The Great Canadian Hair Challenge

From my lover, Jae (http://abitofjae.blogspot.com)

The Great Canadian Hair Challenge.

What it constitutes is that you must not alter your current hair in any way for a year. That means no cutting, trimming, relayering, rebanging, etc.

My own exception: I get to dye mine. I dye my hair like I breath water, like the Pope wears a funny hat, like dogs sniff each others butts.

I've recruited my sister into the challenge (with the same exception as me).

Lol, I love you, Jae, for thinking up of this.

FB Notes: 'In All Honesty...'

As much as I love this, I want more. Call me greedy or selfish, but I think that, after all this time, I deserve "it". I'm not even sure what "it" is, but it's got to be more than just lunches, late nights, early mornings, and "coming home" to each other.

For so long I was comfortable. I was fine, hell, I was HAPPY, because it didn't have a name, there was no definitive way to describe what we have. But, because of my own shortcoming curiosity, I had to push you, I had to care about titles and definitions and all those things that other people look at. I had to wonder and I apologize for that.

So what we have (or, more likely at this point, had) is an 'understanding'. No matter what happened, I always came home to you. Through these past few years and the people in and out of our lives, we still, as you like to put it, came home to each other in the end, through it all. But I'm done with 'in the end'. I don't want 'once upon a time' and 'the end'. I want it all, the story in between, wicked step-mother and all. I'll take a bed full of mattresses with a singular pea; I'll clean night and day with mice as my only companions; I'd rather live in a tiny cottage with seven strange, little men than go on with this 'understanding' that you're only there for me when the day is done.

For the longest time I believed that this, what we had, was the best, the ultimate option because no one could quite pit a finger on it. It couldn't be defined, therefore it couldn't be touched and it couldn't be construed into something ugly or mundane. But now, now that other options have come my way, I feel like the only reason we never defined it was because we wanted to hide it. Albeit, hide it in the most obvious of ways, but hide it nonetheless.

And, also, it's just gotten hard. I try to figure out my feelings for you but there are other guys out there who make it plain and simple for me to understand. I hate second guessing myself when there's a guy there who wants to hold my hand when we're out, when there's someone who'll catch me when I trip and doesn't want to let me go right away. I want to feel good when I plan a weekend full of bad TV and bad movies with a guy and I don't want to have to think about you or have to consider your feelings or wonder if you're gonna call or text me or show up out of the blue. I want to talk to a guy when he calls me and wants to talk about nothing at all, instead of hanging up when I see you're on the other line. I want to keep the shit eating grin on my face when he messages me at the end of the day, wondering if I'm okay instead of wondering why you haven't asked me that yet.

See? I want more. If it has to be you, I want it to be you, one hundred per cent: I want you to be the one holding my hand. I want it to be your hand on my waist to steady me from falling. I want it to be your hips against mine as the music blares and the lights dance in a frenzy. But, right now, it's not. You just hear about it all when we're sitting in your car and you tell me that you wish it were you. I don't think you really mean that, though.

So, with this, I'm leaving 'home'. No more 'understanding' crap, no more 'I come home to you in the end' bullshit. I'm over all that, and I'm done with your charm. I'm packing up this emotional baggage and hauling it off to a one-bedroom apartment across town and no, I will not leave a forwarding address or phone number.

FB Notes: 'Remember this when things get tough...'

I love how every conversation is a private joke.

I love how you look at me like I’m absolutely crazy when I’m acting like a normal person.

I love it when your hand searches out mine automatically.

I love the fact that together we defy time.

I love our little competitions and I know you usually let me win.

I love that you’re trying and I love that you love that I’m not.

I love your laughter, your giggle (yes, you giggle), your tsk, your sighs, your huffs of disbelief.

I love that you’re crazier than I am, but in the most normal of ways.

I love how you can stare vacantly into thin air as if you’re looking at the most important thing in the world.

I love how you make me believe that nothing else really ever matters to you when I’m around.

I love that we don’t need conventional boundaries.

I love what we have and what we have is each other.

I hope nothing ever changes.

♥

FB Notes: `Cliche`

If I could say all the things I’ve ever wanted to say to you, I have a feeling that you’d be more offended than flattered.

It’s not that I don’t have anything to say at all. Quite the opposite, actually. But I sat and I thought about it today as I watched you. You were sitting so close to me and yet there I was, watching you from a million miles away, my eyes unable to see anything else but you. As you concentrated so hard at your task at hand there I was, wondering what I would tell you if you gave me the chance, if I gave me the chance. I think that it’s important to point that out: even if you asked me to tell you what’s on my mind, I’d never be able to; those little voices in my head always seem to edit my words as they’re coming out of my mouth, leaving you with the severely abridged version of what I’m thinking.

It’s funny, really, that when chances like that are given I can’t seem to say what I truly want to say. Choose any other point in time and my mouth would be shooting off without my mind even knowing. It’s no new experience for me to taste my own pedicured toes when I put my foot in my mouth. But when it’s just the two of us and all pretense is gone, I just can’t help but think. My mind suddenly warps into overdrive and my tongue can’t seem to articulate the proper sounding words. So I thought about it.

You make me feel like a cliché. But not just any cliché. When you’re with me I’m lighter than air, the birds are chirping happily, and, somewhere in the world, Mary Poppins is extolling the virtues of cleanliness in song. When I hear your voice on the phone there are a million violins playing their sweet melodies harmonized by the lively laughter of children. The world is bright, there is hope, and “priest-rabbi-duck” jokes are actually funny when you are around. You make me feel like the most clichéd cliché and it makes me blush a little.

Just thinking about you, I suddenly understand all those sappy love songs on the radio that used to make me nauseous. When we’re together the urge to pelt rocks at couples at the park is quelled and puppies are more than just slobbering mongrels that like to sniff inappropriate places. You turn me into someone I never thought I would be, or even could be. With you I become one of those girls that I used to make fun of. But, of course, I’d never actually admit it.

After considering all this, I wondered how I’d ever be able to tell you all that without coming off as inexplicably insane. Then I realized, slowly (as I tend to do with life altering epiphanies), that it was simple. I was making things too complicated. All I need are simple words because you know me and you know my every thought as it crosses my mind, every breath as it passes through my lips. But, as the little voices in my head protest, I begin to agree with them: what if my words are too simple? I hope, with every fiber of my being, that you understand.

So, what would I say if I could say all the things I’ve ever wanted to say to you? I’d say thank you.

FB Notes: 'Frustration'

This is so stupid. I’ve hit the point where I can’t even write anymore because all I can think about is you. I can see your face in my mind and it’s like an incessant reminder that I feel absolutely incomplete without you, that I care about what you think of me, that I cannot properly function without some sign of your approval. Okay, so it’s not that extreme but it feels that way. It just that I feel so stupid about all of this, these feelings that I, obviously, feel. I never used to feel like this before. Believe that. With our history, it surprised even me that I feel this way now. And, if I ever let you actually read this, you would be, too.

I just can’t seem to do anything right, even if it doesn’t involve you. I think before I act, but then, two seconds after I’ve done it, I wonder what you would think, what your reaction would be. It’s just so infuriating, that you can carve out a niche in my mind so easily and I can’t even get you to call me once a week. How do you do it? How do you make me feel like I’m two inches tall right after I’ve climbed the highest mountain? I guess I should congratulate you, though, for managing to do what you’ve done to me. It’s no easy feat; I tend not to trust many people as much as I do you.

You’re like an addiction: unhealthy, uncalled for, and insatiable. And I don’t know what part of that description scares me more. I find myself sitting on the cold bathroom floor, crying, because I’m just so messed up thinking about how you make me feel and the many reasons you’re not supposed to be the one doing that. I disgust myself because of you.

You used to be my best friend. I used to be able to tell you everything in my world and now I’m just relegated to the occasional wall-posts, the not-so-often e-mails, the rare phone calls, the almost-never luncheons. This is us, the duo who used to share one bed, when we weren’t even dating, and not have sex; this is us, the two who could just look at each other and have a whole conversation in the mere blink of an eye. That was us, but not anymore.

There are so many reasons that tell me that falling in love with you again is wrong, the strongest being that it feels so right. I know I need to just walk away, but that’s impossible. We’re thrown together out of circumstance, out of karma, out of kismet. Circumstance, karma, and kismet are probably the three forces in this world that are out of my reach. Which means I can’t do anything except sit back and wait until you come to me again, even if it is just for a hour, a word, a minute, a moment.

FB Notes: 'Vicious Cycle of You'

its kinda sad, really... actually, i think i'd equate it with pathetic.

what is?

you. no, not YOU, per say, but its the way you make me feel. that fluttering feeling i get when i see your name pop up in the corner of my screen; that nervous sweat that starts to gather on my brow when i know i'm going to be near you soon. and you know what the saddest part really is?

You Have No Clue That You're Making Me Feel This Way.

&&it gets worse.

i actually wait and try to seem distant/aloof/casual. i wait until you talk to me first; i stay in a place where i know youll find me. but whenever i do it, i'm always just that little bit afraid that you'll see right through me.

but i should know better than that. why?

Because You Don't.

it's probably because i've done it so convincingly before. i act the same way i did before i truly realized how i felt about you. so it's pointless, me waiting for you to figure out that what im doing is all just an act.

&i know that sitting here is getting me nowhere and that these things have been said so many times over [too many to count. ] but its just so hard for me to believe them because you'd think, if they had actually been heard, there wouldnt be any anymore.

did that make sense? ... see?

You Make Me Not Make Sense.

and the saddest part of all is that i do nothing to change the situation i've put myself in. i just sit and think these same things over and over until i see your screenname pop up or your name on my caller id.

And So It Starts Again.

1. She's Just Not Worth Your Pretty If She's Not Including You

It's amazing, this friendship thing. The excitement of finding someone who thinks like you, who makes you laugh, who understands your weird sense of humor. And, as with most, if not all, new things, we women want to do one thing: show it off! Just think about it and you'll see that it's true. Just got your hair done? You're gonna go out that night. Found that dress that makes your boobs look huge and your ass look great? Head straight to the mall for a "walk" and then to the club! It's natural for us to want to show off our new things and that holds true for friends, too.

It goes beyond wanting to introduce this new friend to the other friends: it's a simple fact of, "See? She's MY new friend, I found her first! Isn't she great?" It sounds bitchy and petty but that's just the way we women work. I can't explain why and I'm not about to go changing the rules that have been around longer than I have.

Now, see when your new friend doesn't want to bring you around to meet her other friends, there's a problem. It's natural for her to want to show you off and you are amazing, so why not? If she likes you then she'll want to share you with her friends let you be a part of her inner circle.


The "But I'm Afraid My Other Friends Won't Like You" Excuse

If she tells you this, I have one thing to say to you: never talk to this girl again! She's basically telling you that you are not good enough to be friends with and that she's ashamed of you. No one needs that, no one deserves that. Even if her other friends wouldn't or don't like you, she'd make an effort to include you so as to tell her other friends that you are important to her and they need to either shut up, try to get along with you, or just play nice.


The "You Might Not Like Them" Excuse

Another way of saying that she's ashamed, this time not of you but of her other friends. This should be a warning sign for two main reasons:
a) she treats her other friends like shit, an omen that you may one day be treated like that, and
b) she thinks you won't make an effort to get along with her friends.
You wouldn't assume a person's standards because you can't read minds. So it's not right that she should presume that you wouldn't like the people she hangs out with. She's hanging out with you, isn't she? And as for b, it's an insult to think that you'd purposefully act rudely in front of her friends. What kind of person does she think you are?!? So ditch this bitch and move on!


The "You Wouldn't Like What We're Doing" Excuse

Oh, please. You are a better person than that and you should be able to see through this excuse like plastic wrap. Even if they were going to do something you don't particularly enjoy, you'd obviously make an effort to try, for the sake of your new friend. So for her to assume that you would pout and be sourfaced the while night is an insult to your social skills and social intelligence.


The "I Don't Want You To Feel Awkward" Excuse

Let's face it: for 90% of us meeting new people is awkward. The stiff pauses, stunted conversation, the cold tension before the ice is truly broken can be tough, even tougher when the ice only cracks and doesn't break through. But it is the, what I like to call, host-friend's duty and responsibility to ease those awkward moments and help you be comfortable. If she's not willing to make that effort then she isn't worth you time, your effort, or your pretty.


It's so simple! You, the amazing chick reading this, are, well, amazing! You need to spread this amazing, share your specialness (and I'm not talking about the 'quit-eating-the-glue' special) with people who are like you and who have a specialness that they could share that complements your own. If your new friend doesn't realize this and recognize this then she's just not worth your pretty.

It's hard because we want to see and believe the best in people, especially friends, and even more so new friends. Of course there's that allure of being unknown and mysterious but that wears off quick, and I mean quick. Eventually we want to be known and recognized for the great person that we are and if someone denies us this, we're apt to believe whatever excuse they give us and blame ourselves for being 'needy' and 'clingy'
Another reason why exlusion can drive us crazy is jealousy. If she's constantly talking about how great her other friends are, telling you all the great parties and adventures you're not a part of, then the little green monster named Jelousy might tell you that you're not good enough to be a part of her group. But he's wrong: you're better than her and all her friends because they'd be crazy not to have a funny, charming, and quirky girl like you around!

She's Just Not Worth Your Pretty

Everyone knows about the awesome phenomena that is "He's Just Not That Into You"; it's an awesome book, movie, and liftstyle! But my love life is pretty awesome right now, so what need do I have for it (excluding the obvious because of what will happen in the future crap)? Well, I've found that most of these concepts can be applied to friendships, too. I mean, what is a friendship but a non-romantic relationship, right? So here I present to you:

She's Just Not Worth Your Pretty.

Introduction: You are all friends with her.

She is the flake who constantly blows you off for other plans. She is the one you've known for years and takes advantage of that fact. She is the one who will choose her man over you when she's forced to choose. She is the one who just started a new job and she's got to make friends at the office, lest they think she's a loner. She is the one who has been betrayed before and because of that has severe trust issues. She is the one who know he's not good enough for her but stays with him anyway. God, she must be important to have all these problems and still keep you in her life.

She is the friend made up entirely of your excuses. Granted, this might be easier to spot than in a man, but it's harder, much, much harder to axe her out of your life. There had to have been common ground between you two before, or you'd have never been friends in the first place, right? It can't be that all of a sudden she's not the girl you thought she was or the girl she used to be. Well, it can because of one simple thing: people change. Maybe it's you: you've outgrown the phase of your life in which you two fist began your bond or you're not into the things you used to love and obsess over. Or maybe it's her: she hasn't grown up or she has and it's in a direction totally opposite from yours. Whatever it is, your dynamic has changed and that girl- your BFF, your bestie, your sister at heart- is no longer that, but a stranger that you just don't have the heart to take out of your life because, at one time, you loved them, and it's hard to just let that go.

Derived from Greg's, "Don't waste the pretty," philosophy, I hold that friendships are just like romantic relationships, with one exception: they're even harder. Yeah, of course it's hard to find love, to keep love, to maintain a romantic relationship; but you need to balance it out with a platonic relationship, that solace from when romace gets weary and eventually drifts away. Friends are supposed to be about support, open communication, and no judgement. For men we put on our sexiest makeup, perfume, and lingerie but with our friends we should be able to strip away those layers of extra work and just be ourselves, messy hair, sweats, and all.

It's just not that simple, though. In our lifetime we will go through thousands of friends, only about twenty or so we'll truly deem worthy of calling our best friends. And, a lot of the time, transitioning through these friends is painful because there is a deep history there: sleepover, bowls of ice cream, chick flicks, hair dye and tears over boys, parents, family, work, other friends. Sometimes we hold on to friendships just for the sake of nostalgia, even when that friendship is beginning to hurt us and make us unhappy. Even after the friendship is over, there is resentment and anger that one could feel so easily discarded, like Kleenex. Well, after a lot of hurt, I'm here to offer my advice. Try and bear with me as I blog these chapters and remember: you deserve only the best when it comes to your friends.

Eugh.

I saw your status on Facebook today. It made my heart jump and my insides squish a little. All the feelings I used to have for you came rushing back, like the tide crashing into the shore.

The uncertainty. The lust. The pain. The pleasure. The satisfaction. The withdrawl. The the contment. The unease. What I thought was the beginning of something. What I thought might have been love. The angry realizations that it wasn't anything and that it sure as hell wasn't love.

I'm loved now. I love someone and he loves me. I don't need you. You're not worth it if you think I'm not worth it.

You probably thought that you were all that, because you used to have me on strings like a marionette. I'd dance your dance then get left hanging on nothing but a vauge uncertainty, a shadow of a promise.

I'm better than all that now. I'm not afraid to go as far as to say that I'm better than you now. I don't play games and I don't get played. That's over and I'm stronger than you'll ever be.

I can't wait for the day when you call, like you used to, and I just hang the phone up on your ear. That will probably be one of the most satisfying moments I will ever get to experience.

Deserving

I really hope you read this one day. Preferably one day soon. It would be really lame if I had to show you this, I'd probably wouldn't be able to anyhow.

I don't know what I did to deserve you. I must've done something real good once, something amazingly selfless and humanitarian to have you in my life now. I count my blessings, thank my lucky stars, and kiss the clouds that you are my number one.

You're a jackass. You run your mouth. You're more than a goof and the term 'fuckface' seems to fit you like a glove (not Isotoners, though; we all know what went wrong there). You whine and bitch just as much as any girl, though you'd never admit it in a million and six years. You drive like a maniac, complain about my driving, and your map reading abilities suck worse than a hooker who forgot to take out her loose and ill-fitting dentures. Your job sucks and we barely see each other but we still make it work. You're shameless, in both positive and negative ways (no, I will never forget the time you showed up at the park in your car wearing nothing but a tool belt) and you always have an arguement up your sleeve even when you agree with me. You're strong, one of the strongest people I know. You stick your guns, stand by your convictions and you never let anyone take the rug out from under you. You're not stupid but you have your own logic, a certain smarts that's yours all alone.

I love you. All of you and everything about you. And I love how you love me, how you make me feel accepted and wanted and needed.

I don't deserve you. That I know. But if you'll take me, I'll love you like there's no tomorrow. <3

I hate...

Well, I was going to write some long-winded rant about how much I hate the bad things, the complicated things, the things that make other things impossible. But I realized that that would be stupid, that it would be fruitless, and that I`d end up regretting it and deleting the post.

After thinking about it for a minute, I decided better. And then it came to me, I knew what I wanted to say.

Love like there`s no tomorrow. Tomorrow is a privilage, not a certainty. Tomorrows are the rewards we get for living today worthwhile, for loving the people we`ve got. We talk about tomorrow like we`re entitled to it, like it`s a given and it`s a fact because we`re so used to waking up in the morning and going about our day, because we know nothing beyond not waking up. Reality check: one day we may not wake up, or we may wake up somewhere else entirely, or we may wake up and no one else believes it. I don`t know. I`m not clairvoyant, I don`t know what comes 'next'.

Put your heart and soul into everything you do because essentially what you do in the end amounts to people. Not the dirty, 'Ew, hahaha, you do people,' but you do to, for and, about people. What you do matters, what you do affects someone. Everything: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the stupid actions all matter so you might as well make the most of them.

If you love, love thoroughly, like loving that person takes every fiber of your being.

If you hate, hate with all the passion and fury of ancient gods bearing down upon the peoples.

If you laugh, laugh heartily, there are too many moments in life that make you just want to hang yourself.

If you cry, cry out every tear and sob out every hurt so that way you have the hope of never crying again.

If you`re being honest, be honest, don`t leave anything out, because you don`t know who could be around to listen to you.

If you lie, lie like a motherfucker on death row because the last thing you want is to go down in flames.

There`s a huge chunk of life we miss out on because we`re too caught up in everything that life can afford. Jobs and school take up time and energy, too much time and energy, if you ask me. We get caught up in making the sale, closing the deal, bringing home the bacon (hold the swine flu, please, haha), winning the bread that we forget to just stop and love and be thankful.

So. Do with this what you wish.

PACQUIAO FTW!

It's my Filipino Pride. I can't help it!

TK, you owe me $50, sucker. =P ily!

Gotta hate it when I'm right.

On a totally different note... Wait... I don't have anything else to say at the moment.

Huh. Go figure.

I don't quite know if I like days like today.

All the prep, the anticipation, the dragging of my ass out of bed at an ungodly weekend hour.

And for what? A crabby almost middle aged fart trying to recapture the days of his youth by throwing a fight night party? Geeze, swell.

Worst comes to worst, I'll binge drink until I can't walk and smoke myself blind.

I guess.

"Even Fairy Tale Characters Would Be Jealous"

I sit, curled up on the couch, partially listening to you and partially listening as PlayRadioPlay! play one of our songs off my iPhone.

"Even Fairy Tale Characters Would Be Jealous".

Things aren't perfect, but we're happy. Who'd want perfect, anyways? Perfect would be me fretting over dinner while the children played in the living room with the dog as we'd wait for you to come home from work. That's someone's perfect, but not mine.

Yeah, you know what? I think fairy tale characters would be jealous of us. Again, this ain't no 'happily ever after' in 'lands of faraway places', but who said the Brothers Grimm and Mama Goose had it all right?

See, I think that after the 'happily ever after' came the reality check. The Princess refused to eat peas due to her spinal injuries and thr resulting emotional trauma. Snow White caught several STIs from a naughty little gangbang with the seven dwarves. Cinderella became a carnivorous, insufferable, tyrannical owner of slaves and house help, with a mean streak for animal cruelty.

And it's not just the women, either. Every single ego-bloated Prince Charming probably became fat through the follies of ale-belly, thusly crushing their shining white steeds whilst trying to mount them in an attempt to prove their masculinity.

Or I could be wrong. Every Princess and her Prince would ride off into the sunset, blissfully ignorant of reality and the best parts of being in 'love'.

Every one of those fairy tale characters is probably watching us from the confines of their covers, aching to feel what we feel, from the toe-curling sex to the vase-hurling fights, whether their lives are just as picturesque as written or if they're living in already depicted fairy tale hell.

I love that we fight. I know that you're willing to fight, that you're passionate for something, even if it is just something small and stupid, like who ate the last bagel or which person left the window open while it rained. I've seen and been with too many people who had no passion, no drive, no fight. I don't want that anymore because when push comes to shove I'd want you to fight for me, not just let me walk out the door and out of your life.

I love that we're probably not meant for each other. That degree of uncertainty helps me to appreciate you more while I've got you. Odd are against us actually being together forever. Hell, the odds and my own pathetically fallic predisposition are the two main evils we're fighting here, so it's us against the world, baby. But knowing that either of us could walk away at any time makes me cherish you all that much more, kiss you hard when you walk away, and hug you tighter when I see you again.

This is the stuff they leave out of the fairy tales, the stuff that makes being with a person absolutely worthwhile, exhilarating, and unpredictable.

So suck on that, Fairy Godmother.